Fat is Where it's At

So I've been doing lots of reading on fat acceptance as a movement. I'm always trying to understand my feelings via a semiotic lense.

My boyfriend loves fat ladies. I am the second-skinniest girl he's dated, and it actually weirds me out sometimes. Instead of feeling ugly and worrying that my body disgusts him the way I did with Ex, now I've had the silly feeling of Am I Fat Enough?

Yeah, that's just as ridiculous as Am I TOO Fat?.

It gives perspective.



I showed the original Fat Rant to Jetboy, who laughed at Joy Nash's wit and nodded with her serious points, and when it was over said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but she is so hot and I want sleep with her."

I asked why? And he said her confidence was very attractive, and she was so cute, too. I am OK with Jetboy thinking Joy Nash is cute. I do, too!

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I told my Mama about the awesome Fat Rant videos, even sending her the link. She loved what she heard, but also said something that sucked.

I mentioned that I currently weigh 179 lbs. (I was weighed at the doc last week) and she said how she thought I had been looking thinner since I went off my meds... But she hasn't SEEN me since I did. The truth is, I have no idea if I've lost or gained weight, and I don't care, but my Mama means I look more beautiful when she says thinner.

And it's sad, but it's part of her personality. She was forced by her mom to diet since childhood but could never be the thin girl her mom wanted, and in response made sure she never controlled what my sisters and I ate, but she also gave us a bad example of bodylove by hating her own body.

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Sometimes jealousy pushes you into dark places. The hardest thing for me was knowing how to feel when Jetboy slept with his ex, here known as the Queen. I felt overshadowed by her coolness. I thought she was more confident than I. She seemed to always be more bad ass than I, more hip. She is a visual artist like Jetboy, and I freaked out (still do) when they get along well. And she weighs a lot more than me.

At times when I was pissed off about them screwing around it wasn't just because of the act, but because she was FATTER than ME! Horrible to think, but true.

Why would that even matter? Because when I was angry, I tried to demonize her, and fat was easily available. I'm no fucking skinny princess but I hated her and wanted to make that hate about her as a person, make everything she was something I could loathe. It was juvenile and stupid and I didn't feel better.

The Queen isn't more bad ass than I. She isn't braver. She isn't ugly. She isn't my enemy. She's just a person like me, making mistakes and being real.
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Jetboy and I have been better recently, and these thoughts don't come with huge angst at the moment. I've been eating bacon daily (insane! delicious!) so I'm obviously not worried about gaining weight. Last night I had him tell me I was fat and cute, and it was fun and silly, because I want to be a round little goddess.

I am fat and write amazingly. I am fat and raise a kick ass cool kidlet. I am fat and have awesome sex. I am fat and get what I want (mostly, lots of bacon and sex).